


destroy this fic pls

by sclerant (rufusrant)



Series: maraudercide [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (maybe), Bad Fic, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everybody Dies, Gen, Homiecide, M/M, MWPP, Marauders, Murder, Purposely Bad Fic, hahaha, justice for Peter 2k19, murder at Hogwarts, no chill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 17:03:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20549648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rufusrant/pseuds/sclerant
Summary: The Marauders try to kill each other AGAIN, FOR REAL THIS TIME





	destroy this fic pls

**Author's Note:**

> THE END FOR REAL THIS TIME
> 
> This is a joke, don't take it too seriously XD

The End.

"yEAH RIGHT!" says James, as he swishes and flicks over Hagrid's crossbow. _"GEMINIO!"_

A second crossbow manifests into his hand. Sirius, Remus and Peter stare at him in utter shock-

"WAITAMINUTE," Sirius shouts seriously. "HOW THE FUCK ARE WE ALIVE???????"

"Ah, shit, here we go again," Remus says in a bored tone.

"I fucking hate y'all," Peter seethes. 

"aNYWAY," James drawls. "Let's go over this again in case you're new here, or you've forgotten-"

He's oh so RUDELY interrupted by a revolver hammer noise and a dagger noise. 

"Oh, I don't _THINK_ so!" says Sirius. 

"And science makes it physically_ impossible_ to shoot two arrows at once," Remus adds smartly, spinning the cylinder like a shebang whizzbang.

"What in the name of Merlin's arse, Moony, are you fucking serious??? It _is_ possible-"

Remus and Sirius expertly step to the side opposite each other like curtains being drawn apart. Peter is now left gormless between them.

"It's not physically possible to shoot _two_ arrows in **_two_** directions," Remus cocks _(LOL)_ his eyebrow. And his revolver. Y'know, for extra luck. "And if you make that pun_ one more time_, I'm gonna-"

James looks at Peter's scared face and furrows his own brow. Maybe for once, he'd really been outsmarted. Kudos to them, but of course he can't let them know _that._ He has a gosh darned reputation for crying out loud!

Thus James thrusts EACH of the crossbows at them, both loaded with an arrow EACH. Remus' mouth opens in amusement in Sirius' in pure drama queen shock.

"You forget that I am a_ WIZARD!"_ James says expositorily. "And this fic's crack shit anyway!"

"SO?????" Sirius challenges.

"SO," says James tiredly, "I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT! BECAUSE MAGIC!! mUAHAHA_HAHAHAHAHA-"_

Suddenly, Sirius is suddenly holding a second dagger. He points the other one at Remus. And sUDDENLY Remus conjures up a sECOND revolver and aims _that_ at Sirius, effectively creating a fucking Mexican standoff! 

"Aw, fuck," James rolls his eyes. "Are you fucking seri-"

"FINISH THAT PUN, M8," Remus presses the revolver barrel against James' temple. "GO ON!"

"OH YES HE IS," Sirius presses the dagger tip against Remus' neck. "BUT GO ON!"

_"aLRIGHT_ THEN," James str8ens his crossbow arrows at Remus' and Sirius' chests. Wow there sure are many names that end with S! "OR MAYBE I WON'T-"

"Oh,_ honestly!!"_ Peter yells, reminding everyone of his existence. "Just fucking shoot already!"

"Excuse moi, I find that _very_ exclusionist," Sirius says, his eyes glinting as bright as his _dagger_ blades. 

Remus sniggers like an asshole. Arsehole. Whatever I'm not British. His revolvers press deeper into Sirius' and James' heads. 

"Come closer,_ bucko,"_ James taunts in a sudden Southern accent. "Are you taking this fucking seriously? Because- oh wait, shit-"

_BANG!_

James' Sirius-crossbow goes off as he gAsPs in pain. The arrow flies and pins Sirius' left hand into the nearest wall of the common room and sprays it with more crimson blood like how Uma Thurman slices through the Crazy 88 in Kill Bill Vol. 1. 

"whAT THE FUCK," Sirius screeches. Remus blinks, utterly stunned. 

"mUAHAHAHA- alrigh' Evans," James mutters deliriously, and then drops dead. Peter takes one look at his corpse, Sirius' blood fountain, Remus' smoking revolver stained with mOAR crimson and sicks up on the crimson-er Gryffindor carpet.

"eEW!" Sirius remarks, as if his blood isn't spurting eVERYWHERE. The dagger from his nailed hand falls and clatters to the floor. He immediately raises the remaining one at Remus and Peter, even though Peter is now up to his knees in sick.

Remus cocks (HAHAHA) the hammers of both revolvers and points them both at Sirius. "Drop the knife. Love." He adds.

"eXCusE MOI, YOU hAVE A _GUN,"_ Sirius says eXAsPerAteDLY. 

"_Two_ guns."

"eXACTLY! THIS ISN'T FAIR," Sirius continues. "You've killed me once already!"

"Once?" Remus asks confusedly. "Judging by the number of fics in this god-awful series, I'm pretty sure it was _more_ than-"

"Alright,[ one](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14877035), we offed each other when Minnie walked in," Sirius says as if there isn't a whole-ASS arrow through his hand. "That's a tie. [Two](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15164888) is where you killed me first-"

"But then yOU killed me!" Remus says. "You slit my fucking throat!"

"Lemme finish, fucker! [Three](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15625851), Evans double-killed us-"

"Oh right, I forgot 'bout that part-"

"Waitaminute," Peter pipes up. "EVANS killed _both_ of you?????"

"Yes," articulated Sirius. "And _you,_ too!"

"wHAT?!" Peter screams. 

"yEAH!" Sirius grumbles. 

"She used _two_ wands to do it too," Remus ironically puts up a peace sign. "Huh, I guess there_ is_ some kinda logic in the James Theory."

"James Theory?" Sirius laughs. 

"Hey, best we can do. He fuckin' dead," Remus cocks _(nyeHEHEH)_ his head at James' corpse on the carpet. 

"Oh, right," Sirius says, and sUDDENLY there is a draw of blade on Remus' Adam's apple. He's moved too close, a tragic folly in fiction including homoerotic cornering against the walls. "And you're _next!"_

"Darn!" Remus swears. "Hey, Pete!"

"W-what?" 

"You always die after James, right?"

_"Hmph!"_

Remus smiles, almost too calm for someone who's getting their boyfriend's blood splattered all over their face aND said having boyfriend holding a knife to his neck. 

"It's your lucky day, m8."

"Wh-wh-wh-what?!?!"

_BANG!_

Sirius gAsPs. The dagger doesn't fall clean, nicking Remus shallowly in his neck, but only shallowly. Sirius spits up blood. 

"You- you fucking ass," Sirius spurts. "You fucking ASS-"

Remus kisses Sirius's dying lips. "Wrong animal."

Peter goes whiter than a hunk of the whitest cheese in the world. Which Google tells me is literally called _white cheese,_ so that's we're going with. He looks like he might be sick again.

Then SUDDENLY, Sirius lifts his head. Remus' barely turned to notice before he scrapes the blunt edge of the blade against the wall, and JAMES rises, skin grey and blotted with zombie.

"What the fuck- kind of description is that?!" Remus says confusedededededededededededededly, before James's other arrow flies and pins Remus' right hand to the wall across Sirius'. Then he drops ded AGAIN. Remus screams at the pain, but then stops. 

"H-h-h-hey," Peter says timidly because he is a RAT, "Why'd you- why'd-

"WHY'D YOU STOP?" Sirius screeches, very not-ded. 

"I've had worse," Remus shrugs as his own Kill Bill Vol. 1 blood fountain bursts forth from his hand. "Full moons, remember?"

"Aw, fuck!" Sirius screams frustratedly because he is frustrated. "WHY DIDN'T WE CONSIDER THAT??????????"

"WHY IS THIS MOVING SO FAST," Peter screams even more frustratedly. "I DIDN'T EVEN GET A WEAPON YET! OR DO _ANYTHING!"_

"sTFU!" Sirius screams again, pointing his dagger in the direction of Peter. "You think people read Marauder fic for _you???????????????????"_

"Well_.........some _do! I'm a Marauder too!"

"Aw," says Remus, lowering his revolver. "He _is_, Sirius."

"wHAT? Don't you go all soft, Remus!"

"I'm not going soft. It's what it says in the tags."

"Wh- what tags??"

"Pete," Remus sighs. He spins the cylinder, cocks the hammer. "Please understand. I'm sure you'll get your own story one day."

"You're still going to kill me?!?!?!" Peter says eXAsPerAteDLY. Maybe he could start crying from hatred and fear and cowardice. But mostly because he's shat himself in his best school pants. "Oh _Remus,_ I thought you were the logical one-"

Remus raises the revolver and bang bang shoots shoots Sirius in the chest. 

**"WHAT!"** Sirius screeeeeEEEEECHES, and I MEAN SCREECHES. **"THE! ACTUAL! _FUCK!"_**

"Sorry, Siri-poo," Remus says melancholically. Is that a word?

"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT-" Sirius flings his dagger at Remus in a BOOM of energy and gets him right in the chest. And then he finally finally fINALLY dies. His wound is the perfect mirror image that of Remus'-

"Oh, this is so cheesy!" Peter gags. 

"You're a rat," Remus coughs. "Embrace it."

"How????"

And then Remus dropped dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, DEAD. 

"Oh for Merlin's sake," says Peter. He stares out the window of the common room dramatically. "What am I supposed to do now?"

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. lol.
> 
> and you can keep an eye out for future Peter-centred fics by me, or fics in general! :)


End file.
